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Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Still cracks me up
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.