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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
a rare painting of a porcu鈥檓elon
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I鈥檓 tired tomorrow.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you鈥檝e seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
馃幎Where did you come from?
Where did you go?馃幎Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
become ungovernable
doing some research
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.