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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
getting seasonal up in here
Did I do this right
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*