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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
motivation
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!