Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

White parent Vs Arab parents

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

classic mixup

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.