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One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
How can I say no to this ?
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.