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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I disagree with my politics
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’