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*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
🤣🤣
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.