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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
on da cob, we all corn
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do