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How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
this is how life feels
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.