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I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Life cycle of cat
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?