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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
❤️🦆
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER