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Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.