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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*