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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Bit chilly again tonight.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.