You Might Also Like
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.