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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Running from your problems is cardio .
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.