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Woke up against my better judgment again
All set.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
stop
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this