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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”