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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.