You Might Also Like
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.