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On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
War & Peace
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.