You Might Also Like
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.