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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
What do you text your spouse?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep