You Might Also Like
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know