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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.