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Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
peep davidson
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.