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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.