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According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Hell yeah 👍
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?