You Might Also Like
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
journal
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.