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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail