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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I mean…but I did
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
12653.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.