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Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.