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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Breaking news:
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
that wasn’t the question
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”