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if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*bites zombie*
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
