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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Candles never taste the way they smell
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?