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[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?