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Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.