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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Uh oh…
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….