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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Sharon, call the vet
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.