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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
*Seductively hides in the woods
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels