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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Inside you there are two wolves
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
flight attendant: sir u can鈥檛 bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Big Sex has us all fooled
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
? 馃拃
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald鈥檚 employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
It鈥檚 an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.