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Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
reviewed some movies recently
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?