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I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
starting a garage orchestra
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.