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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
They grow up so quick
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed