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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.