You Might Also Like
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.