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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on