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Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
“That’s what” – She
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’