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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
A roof is a house hat.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Batman v Dracula
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday