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I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
How to make infinite energy.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*puts words between two asterisks*