You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.