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when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
is this how new cars are made??
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how