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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Isn’t
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”