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[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?