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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.