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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*