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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
💀😭
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
yeah no that’s fair
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.