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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans