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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.