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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.