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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Does beer think about me too?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
No Google it does not
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.