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Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.