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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Milk Cube
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Overindulged this afternoon.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.