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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.