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Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday