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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Science memes
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
181.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?