You Might Also Like
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*