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“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!