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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson