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Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
sry
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT