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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“I wouldn’t.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi