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Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Hmm, not sure about this change
