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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.