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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
LA today:
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Oops
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.