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you’re so productive for your wage
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.