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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
secret recipe