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78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My Sentiments Exactly
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I have many caverns
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
fired
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.