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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.