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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
this has done me in for some reason
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks