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My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
He is just living hist best little life 😊
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.