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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
🗽
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Flowers bee like
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”