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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.