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Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
❤️
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?