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Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.