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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.