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I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
thoughts?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫