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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Cucumbers Anonymous
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.