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Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
There鈥檚 two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren鈥檛 limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I鈥檓 a pretty lady.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 馃槶
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I鈥檓 just looking for someone who鈥檚 like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny鈥檚 favorite music is hip hop
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver鈥檚 mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this