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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Always 🥴
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*