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this independent good boy don’t need no human
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Cake!!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.