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any last words?
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
You had me at “define legal”.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
yikes
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*