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[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
yes… yes…
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
