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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on