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Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m going to need a moment here.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Wait, let me explain..”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great